Friday, January 9, 2015

Starting fresh, struggling, and being a hypocrite

I'm sure you've all heard the phrase "Do as I say, not what I do"?  Well that's pretty much been me the past few years.

I always tell my kids to follow their dreams, to create their own self worth, and never let a bully tear them down, etc, etc.  The thing is I wasn't following my own wonderful advice.  Not in the slightest.

I think once upon a time I used to enjoy blogging.  After all, my biggest, grandest, wildest dream is to be an author.  I would post funny anecdotes from our days, share pictures of my kids growing faces, and generally just share my life with anyone who fancied a read.  I'm pretty sure I can remember the exact moment that things shifted… Someone pointed me in the direction of a place where there were quite a few hurtful comments written about me, and my blog.  I remember thinking that what they said wasn't even true.  I was being accused of lying about incidents relating to the birth of one of my kids.  This person quoted that they too lived in Canada and what I wrote about something medical wasn't true and I must by lying to be dramatic.  What I had written was true, and just because things are done one way in one part of Canada does not mean it's done the same in another part.  It really stung to be torn down by people who didn't know me, or anything about the situation.

People can be SO cruel.  "Keyboard Bravado" as I like to call it.  People will say and do the worst things imaginable because they don't say it directly to that person's face.  There is no empathy because they aren't there to see how their words can damage the person.  They type, forget, and move on.  But for the person on the receiving end it's sometimes not so easy.

I remember my first few videos for Two Peas that I made.  I was naively so excited to share them, and was not prepared for the hate that would come my way on youtube.  Can you imagine meeting someone in person for the first time and saying to their face "Wow, you talk funny".  And honestly, that's me putting it nicely.  ;)  Why do people feel they can type these things?  I don't get it!  Grown women who should *know* better.  Mothers, who I'm sure teach their children to act better than that for some reason stoop lower with keyboard bravado.  I don't get it.  Does the golden rule just not apply on the internet?! :(

Anyhow, I digress.  I think I've made my point.  As said above, I had become nothing.  I let it get to me, and I let it change me.  I decided to keep things strictly "paper" here.  Gone were posts about my family other than a tiny blurb here or there.  I put a screeching halt to anything other than my work required posts.  Eventually even that changed.  My love for blogging wasn't there anymore so I would put thing off, and off.  Then this fall when I got even sicker I couldn't find the energy to post.  At all, which has made me extremely sad.

I suffer from Fibromyalgia, and with that a whole slew of other "fun" things that have come with it.  The problem with having a disorder like Fibro is that other things can get hidden under the Fibro umbrella and go undiagnosed.  Fatigue goes hand in hand with Fibro so I never questioned why I had zero energy, why It was a struggle to function properly and get out of bed.  Thankfully I went to my doctor for something else and mentioned how bad it was.  A quick blood test revealed I was anemic and the best description I've read of that likens it to suffocating from the inside.  I truly was.

It's been a few months of pills and I'm finally starting to see the light again.  I remember one day saying to my husband "Is this what it feels like to be normal?!".  It had been so long since I'd felt that way.  My desire to do things is slowly coming back.  I want to garden again, I want to blog, and go for my daily walks that pretty much stopped.  I want to live again.

I'm ready to change.

So I think the bottom line for this blog is that I want to be more active.  I want to share more about our lives.  I want to share more crafty things, and I want to share about another newer love of mine, and that is board games, and NO I'm not talking Monopoly, Sorry, Life, and Candyland.  If these are the games you think of when I say boardgames and what you still play with you kids, I'm excited to share a new world with you.  You don't have to dread your kids asking to play a board game anymore.  I promise.  There is life after Monopoly and it is so so good. :) :) :)  That I will save for another day I think though.

I have some living to do right now. ;)

Oh, and something crafty to share too!  I made these for the October Afternoon blog.
See the fun challenge here!

Happy Friday my friends :)


Michelle said...

Your work is beautiful.
It really, really is.
I have enjoyed reading your blog. You're a very good writer. Hang in there. :)

Erica said...

I have rarely commented, but I have visited your blog for several years. I have always enjoyed your posts and the papercrafts you share. Thank you!

Shane Marie said...

I am so glad you've posted again. I was a fan of your work at Two Peas and your videos were some of the ones I enjoyed the most. I admit, I am a lurker. Your post made me realize that if I choose to stay silent, other voices get the whole spotlight. It's a shame people treated you disrespectfully. I regret not showing my appreciation earlier.

I play board games, too :) Looking forward to hearing what you have to say about your new hobby, as well as seeing your crafting, plus anything else you want to share.

Unknown said...

I am so glad to see you are back! I have missed following your crafty pages!!
What you have described here, and what you have so nicely called keyboard bravado is, in fact, CYBERBULLYING. It is real and it is wrong. Like you said, people feel free to say things behind a screen that they would not say in person.
No matter what it is called, don't let people like that take away from the things you enjoy. Those kind of people are mean and probably just unhappy. You have to realize it is their problem, not yours.
Hope to hear more from you and glad you are feeling better.

Kathy W said...

Just repeat over and over what the physicist Richard Feyman said "What do you care what other people think?" Sometimes easier said than done, but true, never the less. Glad your back.

nsmerkt said...

I was so glad to see your post on my Feedly feed tonight! I adored your work with twopeas and am definitely happy to see your crafty stuff whenever you post. I of course only "know" you through your blog posts but I would like to say a huge thanks to you for saying what you did here. I recently started my own business and would like to begin blogging but people are so terribly unkind. I hope you continue to gain your strength in all areas of your life and know that your talent is appreciated.

Erin said...

So glad to see you back blogging, I have never commented here but I enjoy your blog and love your layouts.
I will never understand the mentality of keyboard warriors who tear other people down, anonymity makes it very easy for people to hide behind big words.

Diana Waite said...

oh sweet friend--I SO agree with you, thank you for posting this! YOU are AMAZING, and so INSPIRING in SO many ways--seriously! Haters are always going to hate--sad but true, can't change that. Some friends and are were talking about the lack of joy in posting-why? because we were putting on the "blog face"--share there are people who love it! ;) I haven't posted a comment in a while but know that I LOVE your posts!!!! Keep your chin up!

Jessrose21 said...

Hi Laura, I'm really glad you're posting again! I love your cards and layouts, and your Twopeas videos were my favorites, and this coming from a non-scrapbooker. Hope you keep posting cards, especially with October Afternoon stuff. You got me hooked on them!
Glad you're feeling better now that your anemia is under control. I have CFS and it really limits me to what I can do. And boy can I relate to that suffocating on the inside comment. There are times when I do feel so ill that I think my organs must be shutting down. Thankfully, they haven't yet, as long as I rest and pace myself.

I hope you find the joy in writing and blogging again. Ignore the nasty trolls that post mean things and spread gossip. God will take care of them on Judgement Day!

janet said...

Glad you are feeling better and will be posting more!! Always love reading your blog! It amazes me every day when people are rude. I don't get it. Grown woman just being nasty...karma. I believe in karma. :)

Unknown said...

I'm so happy that you have returned to blogging again! I NEVER leave comments in blogs but after I saw your post I just had to let you know how much you are appreciated. I am such a huge fan - I really do love all your designs. You have an amazing unique style that no one else can match. Your work gives me so much inspiration. Please don't let a few bad apples keep you from doing what you love and sharing it with those who truly appreciate your work.

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